Yesterday was an interesting day…
I went to Starbucks as usual to write and for whatever reason I felt 50% mentally and physically there… I described it as being “in a daze”.
I decided to try and figure out what the issue was so I went down the rabbit hole and what I learned was I was dissociating.
The symptoms where:
- I felt out of my body (depersonalization).
- I had an amnesia for what happened yesterday and the past few days (dissociative amnesia).
- I felt disconnected from reality.. I knew I was at Starbucks but it felt unreal (derealization).
- I also felt physically and mentally sluggish. It felt like I couldn’t wake up.
Note: This is not new for me, especially lately. As I deal with my childhood trauma, I find myself dissociating often. This is normal and part of the healing process. With each flashback and dissociation I learn from the experience and reduce the likelihood of it recurring.
I took the time to deep dive into dissociation and wrote the Dissociation FAQs to better understand what was happening.
So what I experienced was: depersonalization, derealization and dissociative amnesia… all which make you feel like you’re walking through life in a haze, disconnected from yourself and the outside world. It’s an unpleasant experience to say the least.
When this happens I feel cognitively and physically weak. I can barely connect with others (I don’t want to engage others for fear of being taken advantage of…), I can barely express myself let alone protect myself. I feel mentally and physically weak… like I’m not all there…
In the past when this happened I would often isolate until I felt better but since learning about dissociation and flashback management I can better handle these experiences.
What I suspect got me into this state was the book I was reading the previous couple weeks, “C-PTSD from surviving to thriving“.
Not that the book was bad but it got me thinking about my past abuse with my narcissistic step-dad which I recently wrote about.
As I was reading the book I was flashing back to past experiences of the abuse and I guess I wasn’t in a state where my nervous system could handle it, so (unconsciously) I disassociated.
My Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) wasn’t ready for the flashbacks I was having and I disconnected from my body and the world.
Once I realized what was happening, I went home and started my flashback management techniques which includes reconnecting with my body, the world and my memories.
How to Reconnect After Dissociating
There were three main areas I needed to focus on:
- I needed to reconnect with my body (this deals with depersonalization)
- I needed to increase my conscious awareness of the present moment (this deals dissociative amnesia)
- And I needed to reconnect back to the world (this deals with derealization)
My guide for reconnecting back to yourself after dissociation
After connecting back in with my body and the world and doing some journaling I felt good again!
It’s the next morning and I consciously made the intention yesterday to stay conscious and aware the rest of the day and this morning I woke up feeling 100% in my body, fully conscious and connected with the world.
Anytime I flashback again, I practices these techniques to reset.
If this helps you let me know.
To your healing journey!
