It’s Monday morning, 6:20 AM.
It just finished working out and getting ready for the day. I have my coffee in hand and I’m just ruminating on conversations from yesterday.
I enjoy talking to my mom, she is a treasure trove of thought provoking comments.
Yesterday among our many topics we discussed my brother who she’s struggling to understand.
She mentioned that she realized “he’s not going to get better” and that “his memory is getting worse“.
She talked about him being more proactive around the house but that the things he decided to do, like take out the trash, wasn’t done right. She mentioned the “dog gate” wasn’t put back in place like she showed him how. She fixated on him not being able to doing things the way they “should be done”.
She also commented on when my brother got upset on his birthday because she was teasing him that he is just “too sensitive“.
I mentioned to her regarding the trash that her perfectionism was getting in the way of good enough.
She complains that he doesn’t do anything around the house but the moment he starts being proactive she criticizes any mistakes he makes.
He is a classic case of Learned Helplessness. Anytime he tries to do something proactively, she nitpicks at him to the point he stops trying.
I mentioned that to her that her constant nitpicking was causing him to feel bad and that he has learned to stop trying because of that… she became defensive and said because he is having “memory issues” that she isn’t going to expect as much from him from now… which I guess is a start.
The comment that really stuck out to me was when she said he was “too sensitive“, which she has said about me too on many occasions.
I don’t think she understands that it’s normal to express emotions.
Reflecting back to my childhood she would get upset anytime any of us showed any negative emotions.
Anytime any of us got upset we were punished. Anytime we protested an unfairness, that was punished. Anytime we questioned anything, that was punished. There was no voicing “no”. We were not allowed to say “no”.
She just didn’t like any emotions, same with our narcissist step-dad.
- Unfortunately that led to us kids having no boundaries later in late and being taken advantage of financially, sexually, emotionally, etc.
- It led to the inability to voice any unfairness or even to say “no”.
- It turned us into people pleasers. Which now that I think about that, that’s exactly what my mom and step-dad wanted. They wanted us to basically do what they said and not ask any questions.
As I’m writing this I’m getting triggered into a bit of a flashback..
I’m not saying that my mom is bad, our step-dad was the maniac, she has a lot of her own childhood trauma that is fueling her inner and outer critic.
Any little imperfection in her environment and that little voice in her head becomes very loud and she lashes out. She has to have the TV on all the time she says otherwise her mind gets “really loud”.
There is a solution of course!
- Feel safe enough to do the healing work (create your safe space).
- Regulate your Nervous system so you can have the resilience to process your emotions.
- Have the tools to Manage Flashbacks if you find yourself triggered unexpectedly.
- Understand yourself better, learning your 4F Trauma Personality.
- Learn how to quiet your inner and outer critic by learning Thought Distortions, learning Thought Stopping Techniques, learning Thought Substitution Techniques.
- And Process your Repressed Emotions instead of running away from the bad feelings into distractions when you get triggered, use that for an opportunity for introspecting. Use tools such as Cognitive behavioral therapy to identify root thoughts and from there it’s about understanding and expressing the associated emotion to use them up! Using EMDR to safely express the emotions. The more you use up those repressed emotions the less fuel you have for your triggers and the less you flashback and become someone else.
It’s about doing the work!
But I understand that it isn’t easy.
Thankfully as I heal it seems to be having an affect on the people around me, especially my mom. She has changed so much over the years it’s fascinating to watch. While yes she dips into her inner critic mode from time to time, I would say 90% of the time she is cool and fun to be around.
And that’s good enough for me..
Have a great day!
