Yesterday was a fun.
I met up with some friends and we discussed a prearranged topic, “Loving As Is”, which I understood to mean “Unconditional Love” and our thoughts and experiences with that.. which may sound super weird for some people but I found it interesting.
We mostly discussed how we apply “Unconditional Love” in our lives which for everyone that was bit different.
Boundaries in Relationships
I explained I unconditionally love everyone but I still have boundaries for my values, my needs, myself and I don’t sacrifice myself for others which allows me to have unconditional love for them in the first place.
I don’t have kids so hearing how others applied unconditional love to their kids was interesting.. parents unconditionally loved their children and gave them unlimited chances if boundaries were crossed.
Others discussed “co-workers and friends” which they gave warnings to and eventually cut them off if their boundaries were continually crossed.
I am of the mind that you give warnings, you establish your boundaries, you tell people how to treat you and if they continue to cross your boundaries and treat you poorly you walk away to protect yourself. Eventually with this behavior you are left with more and more good people in your life and less toxic people. (this has been my experience)
- Some people get more chances and forgiveness than others.. children got a lot or unlimited chances, close family the same.
- Close relationships had more forgiveness and leeway than just acquaintances.
- Acquaintances usually got 2-3 warnings before the cut off..
- etc
There was no hardline number but it was more intuitively discerned how many chances to give a person based on the value of the relationship.
It was a fun get together with open minded people which I value.
Usually with meetups like this I flight / freeze .. basically I disassociate. It’s a totally unconscious response.
I’m in the process of healing some childhood trauma which causes the flight / freeze response when I’m triggered.
Healing from Childhood Trauma
These are GOOD people I meet up with but the moment the spotlight is on me, I’m triggered and physical symptoms of shaking, stuttering, dry mouth, increased heart rate, racing thoughts .. etc take over and eventually overwhelm me.
In childhood when someone focused their attention of me I got hurt emotionally (criticism, teasing, putting down) and sometimes physical (intimidation). The hurt happened almost daily for years which chipped away at my confidence. To the point where the inner critic got loud, PTSD formed and extreme social anxiety developed.
I have friends now that I have known for years that I get triggered into a freeze and or flight response for a few minutes before I can settle down and relax. It’s difficult.
What I have learned is repeated exposure, reflecting on the situations often, realizing I’m safe, I can say no, I can protect myself, I’m not in danger.. these all calm me down and make things easier and easier.
It’s a lot easier these days than a few years ago that’s for sure.. the key to speeding things up is repeated exposure, reflecting after the fact (realizing the worst case scenario didn’t happen), and focusing more on ME than others which calms my mind down.
That said and with all that known, yesterday I tried a new medication my psychiatrist prescribed, Propranolol.
Propranolol is a game changer!
My disassociation happens when I’m overwhelmed.
What Propranolol does is prevent the physical symptoms that was causing me to become overwhelmed.. no more shaking, no more stuttering, no more elevated heart rate and because of that my thoughts were manageable with some mindfulness practices. I was good!
I was much more outgoing, joking around, being touchy feely, etc. I felt for the first time no anxiety. It was a huge confidence boost.
It’s the next morning and I’m still feeling good from the previous day, much more confident as I interact with the Starbucks barista for example.
This morning I’m reading more into the book, “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” and it’s eye opening learning that I’m a flight / freeze type and learning how childhood trauma untreated affects relationships.
Anyone with C-PTSD I urge you to read the book “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” and learn your defense type and how C-PTSD is affecting you.
I have seriously been working on my C-PTSD for about a year now and I’m amazed at my progress.
The simple act of self compassion, self love and self protection gives you a foundation that is safe enough to explore the world and be yourself.
The more emotional and relational intelligent I become the better my relationships.
The more I learn my values, my needs and how to say no and set boundaries, the happier and more confident I become.
The more I reflect on my childhood trauma and grieve, the less extreme flashbacks tend to be..
It’s been a healing journey for sure but it’s getting better and better.
Deep Sigh.
This, simply writing it out, has felt good.
To your success!
