Yesterday, I talked to my mom about the progress I’m making with the book C-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.
Reading the book I realized for the first time that my Step-Dad, was the main Narcissist in our home.
Listening to the book brought back memories of my childhood when I would literally shake with fear as my step-dad screamed at me over petty things.
I vividly recall him yelling my name from across the house just to get him a cup of water or some food. I was his literal slave.
I later changed my name (from “Donny” to “Donald”) because I could not stand my name being spoken anymore.
I remember him grounding me in my room for literally no reason and when I asked why, he doubled, tripled and quadrupled my punishment from one week to a month just for questioning. I learned that if I stood up for myself I would just get punished more. I had no voice and I was stuck.
I remember him humiliating me around topics such as sex, puberty or any self expression. I learned that if I expressed myself at all I would get in trouble. I learned that it was better to be small and hidden rather than to risk being seen.
I remember when my friends came to visit he forced me to shut the door on them and to go to my room. He separated me from my friends.
I remember him criticizing, judging and belittling me if I didn’t do things exactly perfect.
There was so much more but I digress.
Those were the worst years of my life and what I did to survive was run away into video games, overeating to self-sooth, become a workaholic to not only figuratively escape but emotionally escape.
I hated myself at this point in my life. The inner critic was so loud that I had to numb it by keeping busy.
And escape I did.. for the past 20 years I worked and worked and worked.
Until one night, I asked myself: Why am I working so hard?
Along the way I forgot why I was doing it.
It didn’t make any sense why I was continuing to work even though I was successful.. that’s when I realized I was doing it to escape and feel safe.
I was running away from the bad feelings by keeping busy and I was working to build a fortress of safety around me, never wanting to return to that moment of a helpless tormented child.
My biggest fear was and is to be controlled by another person.. it’s my biggest fear and my biggest trigger when I feel someone attempting to assert control over me, to break down my will and have me under their control.
I Created My Safe Space
When I realized that I created that safe place (in my home) I had an immediate aha moment and for the first time in my life, I realized I was safe and I could relax.
There were plenty of moments before that time of course where I could have realized I was safe but I never paused to reflect on my situation.. I just mindlessly worked without questioning why I was doing what I was doing.
For whatever reason that night I questioned why I was working so hard, why I was doing what I was doing it and the answer came to me.. it was to feel safe. I never felt safe before that moment.
And what I learned was no matter what the outside looked like, no matter what I did outside of me, it didn’t change how I felt on the inside. It was only when I reflected on how I felt, when I questioned the facts of the matter, that I realized I was safe..
I had to change the way I thought about the situation by questioning the facts. This is CBT “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” in a nutshell.
That speaks volumes for the value of self-reflecting.
The moment I realized that I was in fact safe and was no longer in that dangerous situation of the past, I could slow down which allowed me to relax.
Talking to my mom the other day I was recounting the terror of my step-dad. We reflected on his behavior. We remembered when he was a cool guy, when he was funny and nice. What I didn’t know was somewhere along the way he was told he only had a few years left to live and because of that he was devastated. He was prescribed zoloft for depression and that’s when his mood changed. He went from funny, cool guy to a narcissistic terror! He became so evil that he terrorized everyone in the family.
All I knew at that time as a teenager that there was no escape, that I was trapped with this nightmare and I had no support whatsoever from anyone (mom was a workaholic escaping her own traumas) and I was on my own.
I played the flight, freeze and fawn type in attempts to survive my tormentor… it was a living nightmare.
Everyday there was some new form of torture.
Healing and Moving Forward
Today I realize I’m safe but I still dissociate when triggered… I still rush into work or other situations to escape uncomfortable emotions… I still drop into fawn type when confronted by narcissistic behavior.
It’s getting better the more I work on it thankfully.
- Awareness of my patterns has been the most helpful tool in my healing journey. I use CBT to reflect often.
- I’m learning to process my emotions instead of running from them with work.
- I’m learning to reflect and remind myself that I’m safe now.
- I practice somatic exercises to stay in my body instead of dissociating.
- And I’m learning to be assertive and walk away from narcissists.
It’s a journey, and that’s why I write this blog—to remember and to track my progress.
By sharing my story, I hope to help others gain awareness in their own healing journeys.
To your success!
