Yesterday was my brother’s birthday.
He turned 42.
He lives with my mom because he’s “disabled”.
We had a small get together just myself, my brother and my mom.
My mom enjoys acts of service.. that’s how she shows love. So she baked a cake and made a bunch of food for us.
It was mostly a quiet night.
I bought my brother a soundbar. We hanged out in the backyard and talked about his “girlfriend” he has never seen who has an Indian accent. It was fun.
There was some discussion about my brother’s height while we had some of his birthday cake.
I jokingly mentioned something about my brother being a small guy when he was talking about some pants that don’t fit him because they’re too long.
My brother’s height has always been something sensitive for him, he’s not short but he thinks he is..
Well, my mom decided to add more jokes saying my brother was 5 feet, 4 inches which didn’t make sense to me but I never paid attention to it before so what do I know..
Well, my brother got upset because he says he’s 5 feet, 7 inches.
After some back and forth heated exchanges between my mom and brother I decided to settle it by breaking out the measuring stick and finding out!
My brother was more than willing to participate and so I measured him.
The first measure was 5 feet 6 inches with no shoes.
The second measure was 5 feet 7 inches with shoes.
Victory to my brother!
My mom continued to joke, deflecting that she watched someone else measure my brother and just keep teasing to which my brother got more and more upset.
He was mostly upset that my mom got the DMV to put 5 feet 4 inches on his ID card.
She was clearly teasing him and had no understanding of how much that was hurting him.
She has two modes, joking at other people’s expense and anger.
I’m coming to learn that she is sort of in defense mode all the time, deflecting her pain and suffering onto others, which just keeps those people suppressed I’m finding; I can see it in my brother.
After measuring my brother, he was vindicated.
She got upset and walked away.
I translated that communication from her into meaning “I’m sorry” because her walking away slightly annoyed was as good as you’re going to get at that time.
I can take this two ways.. that she’s just a bad person who keeps others down so that she doesn’t feel so small or I can take it that she’s a hurt person, simply projecting that same feeling onto others..
I think it’s the latter.
She is a hurt person who is projecting her insecurities.
Unfortunately for her kids, she is looked up to as an example of someone to be..
I have unconsciously taken on the same insecurities she has projected my entire life.. her fears, her mindset about herself, the world and others.. I have taken them on because I looked up to her.
Later in the evening she mentioned having to have things perfect so that others wouldn’t have anything bad to say about how things look. (perfectionism tendencies)
She also mentioned the “bad people” out there.. (black and white thinking)
Then I realized, all the insecurities that I have I have unconsciously been adopting from her as my own.
I’m not blaming her but it’s simply an observation of my unconscious actions.
My fears of others and the bad people out there, are her insecurities I have picked up. The idea to be perfect so that others don’t have something to pick at with me, I got from her..
I saw her as an example of how to be and because of that I adopted many self limiting beliefs that have impacted my life unknowingly.
On the other hand if I had a confident mom who projected that confidence onto others, I would have picked that up instead.
Overall I learned that I need to be aware that she is simply projecting her self limiting beliefs and insecurities and not to take them as an example to live by..
I need to look to better examples in my life and take on their values, their beliefs, their habits instead.
And of course I need to think for myself.. I need to evaluate my values and beliefs and I need to audit my habits.
Last night was a clear example of how impactful a parent can be on their children, even grown children.
What’s even more funny is we watched the first episode of “the penguin” where the penguin, “Oswald” had an interaction with his mother where she basically told him him to become the villain.
I’m not saying my mom is that! But it’s funny the coincidence.
At the end of the day it’s a reminder to reflect on situations and decide who you are as a person and not to simply take on the thoughts and beliefs of others, especially parents.
It shows the importance of consciously thinking for yourself.
It was a valuable lesson which I’m grateful for my mom to give me.. to think for myself, to make up my own mind, to define my own values and beliefs about myself, others and the world.
Thanks mom!
