When I discovered I was a People Pleaser..

3 Years ago, September 28th, 2021..

We were deep into Covid… and I was in the middle questioning everything in my life, questioning reality, questioning my thoughts, emotions and actions.

The more I questioned things, the more I uncovered about myself and reality at large. Weird how that works..

Growing up I wasn’t taught boundaries. Instead I was taught submission and people pleasing.

As a result, I carried on with that thinking into adulthood where I was easily taken advantage of by bad people.

After awhile I didn’t want to be around people because all the people I was attracting were narcissist who manipulated and took advantage of everything they could get away with.. it was not a fun period in my life.

It got to the point where I reflected on my life and wondered why I struggled with relationships so much and why I was so fearful all the time..

How to stop being a people pleaser

I didn’t even realize I was a people pleaser.

I didn’t realize I was missing boundaries.

I didn’t realize I didn’t set expectations early.. I let others dictate them for me.

It was ME that was at the root of the problem. I was enabling it.

I started to learn about attachment styles and that’s when things started to click for me.. without boundaries, without setting expectations.. bad people push things and push things until you finally push back.. that’s how they know their limits..

I had enough and decided I needed to learn the following:

1. Learn about Attachment Styles (to identify how you relate to others)
2. Learn how to Set Boundaries (mental, physical, emotional, energetic boundaries to protect yourself)
3. Learn how to Set Expectations Early (learn how to ask for what YOU want)
4. Learn how to Say No (this is soooo important.. and a vital tool for boundaries to work)
5. Learn how to WALK AWAY (this is vital if others are not respecting your boundaries, you are NOT trapped)

I had to reprogram my brain. I had to let go of all the limiting programming that kept me in people pleasing mode and take on a more empowered mindset.

Long story short, reflecting on this period of my life, that’s when I started standing up for myself and things really changed (in a positive way) with all my relationships.

Part of this website, remember.blog, is about keeping and remembering what I have learned over the years.. because sometimes we default to our old ways and forget, don’t we?

Over the years I have developed many tools, reminders, sayings that help me today remember what I have learned. This site is for me just as much as it is for others and with that, let’s go!

As this site develops, review the tools to help you in your process of empowering yourself, setting boundaries, learning how you can stand up for yourself and no longer be a people pleaser.

To your success!

Here is a Facebook post from that time period:

This may just be a me thing but I always felt a hesitation when engaging/talking with new people. I thought it was anxiety related but after meditating for several months and balancing myself I no longer have anxiety. However still there was a hesitation with engaging/talking with new people. Why is that?

Upon further reflection I realized it’s more about boundaries and expectations. Most people have natural boundaries but for me I didn’t learn how to set boundaries until much later. Now I use all sorts of boundaries (physical, emotional, energetic). Once I started using boundaries it was much easier to engage and talk with new people because I couldn’t be taken advantage of anymore (with my time, money, energy). However that only solved the external problem. Then I found another problem.

Typically when I go to places that are structured (grocery store for example) it’s an easy transaction. I know why I’m there and they know why I’m there. It’s no problem. However when going to a bar or meetup for example it’s more ambiguous. I found with ambiguous situations I didn’t go in with a goal in mind or idea of what I wanted to experience.. and to me this was always puzzling. Why was grocery stories, Starbucks or whatever okay but ambiguous situations more difficult?

When I was growing up I was typically surrounded by people that wanted from me whether it was my time, money or energy. All people wanted was stuff from me and that eventually pushed me further and further away from people. I didn’t want to be that type of person so I never wanted from another person. Why go to group meetups, bars, etc if you didn’t want anything from the experience? Or why go when your time, energy, money was simply being taken away? It was pain.

Well that mindset is for a baby. I learned that it’s a gift to be here now and life is temporary. And our purpose for being here is to grow as a person. And you grow by learning and experiencing new things. You grow by overcoming. And it’s okay to ask the question.. “what experience do I want?” “What can I gain from this experience?”. It’s okay to want because it’s through experiencing things that we grow. And by engaging with other people it’s the best way to learn new things, experience new things, etc. And at the same time you help others grow, learn and you can uplift them.

So now when I’m hesitant about going to a meetup group for example where the goal is fun and meeting new people.. I ask myself “what experience do I want out of this?”; and with that understanding and mindset there is no longer hesitation because I know at the end of the day there is growth for me and a chance to uplift someone else. That’s exciting.

It’s interesting how something simple in our past drives our future thoughts. It’s even more interesting that those thoughts can be changed if you can identify the source and simply change it to something more positive. Anyway.. my thoughts for today.